The Freedom Not Yet Won
I want to take this time to commemorate the passing of Gloria Steinem. Not because she was my role model exactly. In some ways, and at some times in my life, she was my nemesis, but she was a looming presence for much of it. In some ways, she loomed
larger over how I managed my life than the mother who raised me, so her passing forced me to take stock on my life and career to-date. I cannot imagine I am alone in my complex feelings about the feminist movement that she and a few other notable names became the flagbearers for.
I grew up in the 60’s and 70’s, which was a tumultuous time on many levels. There was Vietnam, and the anti-war movement. There was the fight for Civil Rights, the sexual revolution, and not last and not least, there was the push for equal rights for women. It is interesting, and in some ways tragically amazing that these are all fights not yet won after all these decades, even the anti-war sentiment of Vietnam, which rises anew as many of us question the war with Iran.
But for me as a young girl growing into womanhood, feminism was a theme I was intently interested in. I was very aware of Gloria Steinem, Bella Abzug and others (Shirley Chisholm, Barbara Jordan, Billie Jean King to name a few). They were our warriors. Fighting for our rights. As a teenager, that was very exciting and energizing. My father had already instilled in me the expectation that I could do whatever I wanted to aspire to for a living. These strong women were telling me that not only was he right, but they were fighting for my right to earn as much as a man who did the same work. They were memorable: Steinem with her glasses over her long straight hair, Abzug with her ever-present large hats. Of course, Shirley Chisholm and Barbara Jordan were trailblazing as strong women in a man’s game who were Black as well. They were on another plane for me. I knew how hard it must be for them to have their voices heard and to command the respect they deserved. I was so enthralled by Barbara Jordan that she played a major role in my deciding to move to Austin, since she taught graduate classes at UT at the time.
But those were my young idealistic years. Flash forward ten years when I was a young mother, and I was getting a crash course in exactly how hard it is to be a woman. I will fully grant that being female in America is far easier than in many other countries, but the reality is it still is far, far from easy. I was exhausted, working two jobs at times, and trying to be a mother of two young girls, who I was afraid I’d set up for the same fate I was living. I felt guilty constantly. Guilty that I couldn’t be a full-time mom most of all, but I also carried a sense of guilt that I would rather do that than be a strong woman in the workforce when all those bra-burning women in the 60’s had fought for my right to have a career. That choice wasn’t afforded to me and many of my peers. We all needed two incomes to make ends meet, and even then, it wasn’t easy. But for a long while, in my tired, stressed mind, I resented the same women I had once admired for not being in-tune with precisely how hard it is to balance all the demands of a modern working mother. Steinem didn’t marry until late, so she wasn’t trying to balance the same work-life balance that I was. Abzug did have a marriage and two children, but I can’t recall I knew that at the time, so I assumed she was unencumbered the same way as Steinem.
Bottom line: I felt I was trying to live up to an impossible ideal. An ideal the very women who set that expectation had not lived up to themselves in some ways. And I was not happy about it. There was no winning in this game of life. And I didn’t. I made a mess of it all. Try as you might, you cannot balance it all successfully. Something will have to give. I let the wrong things slip through the cracks. My children paid the price. I imagine women in my generation all over the country can tell similar stories…something broke: marriages, children, jobs, our own mental health or physical well-being. And we felt alone much of the time. Where was Steinem when I had been up all night with a fussy infant and needed to be at my desk at 8:00 AM?!
Fast forward to the here and now, and I can say now I know that none of this is the fault of Gloria Steinem or the women who worked hard to advance our rights. The fact that we had no choice in whether we stayed home with our kids or out in the workforce was far from their control. They were right to try and spotlight the fact that women are just as capable as men in the workplace and every other place and deserved the same consideration. Where America has missed the mark so far is to recognize that couples still need to raise the next generation. Young couples should not have to choose between making a living and having children. And bluntly, the reality is that burden is almost always heavier on the mother. All the work that Gloria Steinem did in her lifetime was great in terms of making young women like me believe that there was a life outside of the home, but she didn’t win the battle of equality. At least not fully. Wage equality, good quality and affordable childcare, better maternity leave and healthcare are all among the many things that still need to be better for young families.
I always thought that I was sacrificing so that things would be better for my daughter when her time to be a mother came. Unfortunately, her struggles are much the same. If we want to honor Gloria Steinem’s life and legacy, let us work to make sure it truly is better for my granddaughter’s generation.
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